As Promised...Why United Air Sucks: Part One

So I took that trip to Kan-Tuh-Kee last week. I have lost all faith in United Airlines.

Why, you ask?

Hold on to your bloomers, ladies and germs. Listen to the saga of

Stranded in Chicago
or How I Got Royally Screwed by United
Part One

by
John Vogt

Monday 16 April, 2007

My flight from Beautiful Boise to Chicago (the windy city and home to Oprah) is delayed by about an hour. No problem, says I, these things happen. I still have enough time to catch my connecting flight to Louisville (Law-vil for those who speak Kentuckese). My flight from Chicago to Louisville is delayed by an hour. Again, no problem. These things happen. I take advantage of the ensuing time by chatting with a full-bird who is just returning from the Green Zone in Baghdad. Finally I end up in Louisville and after what seems like an eternity, waiting for the bags to come, I hop into my 2007 Chevy Malibu from Thrifty and head to the Marriott.

Tuesday 17 April, 2007.

I'm making good time from Fort Knox to Louisville as I speed through the rolling hills. I've stayed a little longer than I should have at Knox with the Soldiers but I should still make it in time. I turn in the rental and glance up at the departures/arrivals screen. Great! The flight is delayed by an hour. Now I don't have to rush and I can change out of my uniform and into some comfy travel clothes. I should still be fine because I had a two hour layover in Chicago (or Sweet Home Chicago as Elwood and Jake Blues called it).

The hour stretches on and soon it is an hour and a half delay. As I chat with LTC Adams via mil-cell, I tell him how I'm a little leery because we are cutting it close on me making my connecting flight. My plane finally arrives and I board it. We take even longer to take off but I'm still confident that i can make the connecting flight. After all, it's one United Flight to another. They can't be that far apart, can they?

We finally land but then get stuck on the runway for a while waiting to pull in the terminal. By the time we finally stark to disembark, I have only 20 minutes left before my plane takes off. No problem, I can make it. My fellow passengers mill off the plane with all the speed of menopausal water buffaloes.

With 15 minutes left I enter the very end of F terminal. I scan the departures/arrival screen and note that I have to get all the way from F to C. For those not in the know, Chicago O'hare is the size of New Hampshire and Rhoad Island. They once held a marathon in just one terminal. Japanese Tourists plan vacations to just see all of O'hare. I begin to book it down the terminal. Up ahead a sign looms that reads, "Shuttle to C". An airport employee tells me that the shuttle has just left. It will be another 6 minutes before it gets back. I can try to walk to F but i will take 15 minutes and I have to go back through security. I decide to wait.

At 10 minutes I realize that I might have a problem. The screen has now said that for the past 10 minutes, they have been boarding my flight. I find the nearest United Desk while keeping an eye out for the shuttle.

"Hi, my flight from Louisville was delayed like two hours and now I'm probably going to just barely miss my connecting flight to Boise. Can you call the people at Gate C32 and have them hold the plane for just a few more minutes?"

"I'm sorry, we don't hold flights" she states, matter of factly.

Now, I know this is a load of crap. I have been on numerous flights where we remain at the terminal for a few extra minutes so someone can catch the flight.

I tell her that if they don't hold it, I will miss it. She seems nonplussed and tells me to head that way anyway for customer service. I see no supervisor or anyone else to talk to so I sulk back to the line for the shuttle.

I note with aggravation that boarding for my flight has ended. Finally, the shuttle comes. I board it with all of the other passengers and scowl as we drive to Terminal C. By the time I get to the end of the Terminal to C32, I have missed my flight by 10 minutes.

I head over to customer service and while in line make a conscious decision to be pleasant. After all, I reason, these poor women probably deal with pissed off customers all day long. It's not their fault that I missed the plane. I explain my situation to a hardened, grouchy women who confirms that there are no more flights to Boise. She hands me a voucher for a hotel and a ticket for tomorrow. No apologies, no "we're sorry for your inconvenience", just a here's your hotel. I ask her if my baggage went to Boise. She tells me no. I ask where I can get it. She informs me that it is being held in security and I can't get it. Great, says I. I leave, less than impressed. While I search the endless stream of streets for my shuttle to the Hyatt. I realize that she has given me no coupons or vouchers for a free dinner or breakfast.

When I get to the Hyatt, I find myself actually a little awed with the sheer size and scale of the hotel. I'm less enthused as I get to my room. It looks like they had gutted the room fro remodels and then when they realized they needed to put some people in for the night they through in what they could find. My gigantic bed is nothing more than a roll-away like what you would get for the kids. It sits one foot off the ground and has wheels. I am longer than it is. on the other side of the room: another roll away and a single small chair. No table. No dresser. No desk. I call the front desk and ask if I can get another room with a bigger bed. They say that they are entirely sold out for the night. I order room service. When it arrives, the guy doesn't know what to do.

"Where should I put it?" he asks.

"Uhh...I guess on the ledge."

I decide to call customer service at United and lodge a Class A gripe. They are closed but would be glad to speak to me during business hours. I'm sure you would, jerky.

Tomorrow, dear readers, Part Two: They lose my baggage.